Wednesday, February 17, 2010

Bitachon - From There to Here

Bitachon is the perfect word to describe my life. It's a Hebrew word that basically means the faith that everything that G-d does, everything that occurs, will be for the good. Nothing could be more true than how my life has turned out. It's nothing like what I expected and I mean that in a good way. Take my Hebrew name for example which you see on here, Eliana. It means my G-d has answered. And indeed he has! Baruch Hashem!

If someone had told me years ago that my life would go like it has, I would have laughed at them, accused them of being high or drunk and brushed it off. However, I sure am glad it turned out as it did. Before I go any further allow me to explain that I come from a long history of abuse from my father and other kinds of abuse later on from other family members. My life has been filled with lots of anger, pain, hurt, depression, and anxiety. However I will try to not go into too much detail as it would keep you here reading this all day long. Not to mention keep me typing all day long as well.

For starters, I am a Jewish woman who is happily married to my precious husband, Yehonatan. We have 3 lovely sons and hope to have a little girl of our own sometime in the next 5 years. That is to both, A) have a little princess, and B) fulfill the mitzvot to "be fruitful and multiply" which by the laws in the Torah means we have to have both a son and a daughter to have accomplished that. At the moment we live in the USA but plan to make aliyah in 2012 or 2013. We are already gathering our resources and planning our pilot trip but that's on another blog of mine. Found here. Also, my husband's aliyah blog is found here.

My journey into adult hood was far from smooth and easy. I've had to deal with a lot of crummy people and senseless struggle. I'd like to be able to say that my mother was the one good parent but that would not be truthful either. It's taken me years to see just how her resentment of me has stemmed and grown into a nasty problem. So much in fact that I am now having to write her out of my life which does make me sad.
After numerous failed attempts at forgiving my father (who by the way is a christian extremist) and reconciling with him, he finally slammed the door shut on me and left for China as a gospel underground minister. Claiming that G-d gave him a heart for the Chinese people. Which as I told him it was a shame that he did not give him a heart for his own family. But anyways, I digress.

At age 14 my parents divorced with what was a very nasty custody battle that followed. Two of them actually. Since then my mother immediately started throwing herself at whatever man would put up with her and was only around enough to make my life hard. At 16, almost 17 I became pregnant and had my first son. The father, my boyfriend at the time, was only around for the first couple of months of my baby's life so he doesn't remember him. One night he and I got into a heated argument and that's when he raised his hand and hit me. With all of the years of abuse from my father under my belt this was something I was not willing to tolerate. All those years of pain came rushing at me like a raging bull and I screamed at him to get out and not come back. He did leave and after which, I called the police. Long story short, I pressed charges, they found and arrested him, he did time, I filed a restraining order and that was the end of that.

My mother was never around much either. I had to bust my backside working for Wally World and she demanded half of each of my paychecks or she'd throw me out. With a child in tow, that wasn't a risk that I could take so that was that. I too dated a few men here and there a little bit when I could manage to twist my mother's arm around her back just to get her to watch my little one long enough for me to go on a date. None of my relationships lasted very long and this was why.

As years and other events that I won't get into right now went by, I kept focused on trying to raise my son as best as I possibly could. In 2004 I met this guy online in Great Britain. He seemed very nice and polite and gentleman like and thinking nothing would ever come of it anyways, I stupidly let him into my heart. In 2005 he moved here under a fiance' visa and we got married. Turns out a month later he was already on dating/singles websites and looking to cheat on me which of course I didn't know at the time as I THOUGHT I was in middle of wedded bliss. Boy was he a good actor! He had me fooled until he got dumb and started slipping up and that's when I realized what was going on and of course I tried to fix the marriage only for him to shut down on me and refuse to even try. This went on until January of 2008 when he left me. He was originally planning on meeting me at the door after work one evening, handing me a "Dear John" letter and getting in the car and driving off. However, thankfully a good friend of mine who he foolishly confided in told him how unfair his plan was and that he should at least give me a couple days notice. So, he did and he was gone just 2 days later. Leaving me heartbroken and trying to pick up the pieces. This is when my depression went into overdrive and I dove into my work and my job full on taking as many hours as I could get to try to not have to deal with my pain.
It was when I started cutting again that I fortunately realized I was out of control and needed help. That's when I got myself to the doctor to get on anti-depressants and started going to counseling. During this time, none of my family ever bothered to be there for me. I couldn't get my mother to come anywhere near me as though I had the plague or something. My sister never called or came around either (but she always hated me) and I only got the very occasional phone call from my brother and SIL. However, to their credit right after my ex left they did allow me to come stay with them for a weekend to get out of the house and clear my head. So that was nice. But other than that, I never heard from them much either. I struggled and fought my own battle by myself and worked and took care of my son and myself as best I could for a good few months.

When I was finally ready to date again I found a website called which I signed up on and waited to see who would become interested in me. As I was still a bit afraid of relationships at this point. I was frightened to get used or hurt again the way that my ex did to me. That's when my husband found me. He sent me a couple letters via email and included his IM (instant messenger) address. Honestly I waited for two months before I contacted him back. Even then he had to work his way to get to me. I didn't make it easy for him. After meeting him the second or third time, I took him with me to my counseling appointment because I wasn't going to play games like I wasn't a broken person which I was at that point. But it didn't deter him. He made it clear that all he cared about was me for better or for worse. When he heard about my past and my cutting and depression and he still didn't run for the hills, I knew this guy was a keeper. He hasn't failed me yet and I know he never will!

Last year, much to our delight we learned that I was pregnant. During my pregnancy, my husband and I were doing some research on genealogy from both sides of our families to find out where we came from that I learned that my maternal grandmother's side was from a Jewish city in Germany before the days of the Holocaust. They left Germany without a trace and changed their last name upon arrival in America in order to cover their tracks. My grandmother claims they were Catholic but as my husband says, that's like claiming you are the only goyim on the 700 block of Eastern Parkway in Crown Heights. So come to find out, my family was actually Jewish and I didn't know it and I'm not totally sure if my Grandmother knows it or not too. By this time I had already converted to Judaism on my own accord but as it turns out, I didn't have to as I was Jewish at birth. Funny how that worked out.

Since my pregnancy last year, my mother has started a lot of trouble for me. A lot of stress, and most of it completely and totally without need. She has been very cruel towards me throughout my pregnancy and even since my baby was born last August. Since then, I feel it's better for me and easier for myself and my family if she is just kept at bay. I have my own family now and I need to be able to focus on them without having to keep my head turned at all times worrying about from which direction the knife will be coming at my back from. Other than that, I'm truly happy with my life and very content. I am loved and respected for who I am. I have a wonderful husband who wouldn't dream of leaving me or anything of the sort and three healthy kids. What more could a gal ask for?

That is my life in a nutshell a lot of crap, a lot of crappy people, all turned around for the good. Once again, Baruch Hashem!

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