Wednesday, June 30, 2010

Things Change...

First of all I'm sorry it's been so long since my last post. So much has gone on since then and several changes in life as well. For starters it seems as though our aliyah has been postponed for now and we're not sure until when. The impending war with Israel and Iran and Gaza is a pretty clear message that now is not the best time to be coming home. Also, all of the chaos and corruption right here in the states has drawn us in and it seems that G-d wants us to help fix things here before we go running off to Israel. My husband has been getting involved in politics and has joined the tea party movement and we hope to help completely tear this government apart and rebuild it from the ground up. For the people, and by the people as it originally should have been.

I was also dealt another blow in my life recently which my husband thinks is another part of the message telling us to stay here and help fix things occurred just last week. Let me explain. Unexpectedly, on June 5th we learned that I was pregnant again. It was such a shock that for the first 24 hrs I didn't believe it. After which time I realized I was pretty happy about it and of course wanted the baby and was happy to be giving our baby boy a new sibling. Only a couple of weeks later I began to realize that something might be very wrong and tried to chock it up to silly worrying. Then the weekend before last I couldn't fool myself any longer. I had a strong instinct feeling that something was definitely wrong and we hadn't seen a heartbeat to the new little one on ultrasound yet when the doctor had said that we definitely should have been able to by then. She had me take two blood tests that week on Wednesday and Friday to check my hcg levels to determine where we stand. I have very irregular periods so we were hoping that maybe I was just much earlier in gestation than we thought. The following Monday I got the phone call from the doctor (while in the grocery store) with those results after pretty much knowing all that weekend what the fate was to be. Instead of my hcg count doubling as it should, it had dropped by 10,000 points. It was then, that I instantly knew that my instincts were correct. The new baby passed away inside of me at about 7 weeks gestation. I was crushed and devastated. My heart broke and I sobbed right in middle of the grocery store. Yikes! But I didn't care what others around me thought at that moment, my world had just suddenly stopped and I felt like part of me died with my tiny baby. Just two days later, on Wednesday, we confirmed the miscarriage (called a missed miscarriage) via ultrasound, and then got sent straight to the hospital to be prepped for surgery to have the baby removed. I somehow managed to hold it together until the moment the scrub nurse began to wheel me down the corridor in the hospital bed towards the O.R holding area. I lost it and sobbed the whole way. I wanted this baby and there was nothing that could be done and no answers as to why this happened. Without a good reason for this to go on, I've felt very angry and confused as to why G-d gave us this pregnancy only to take it away from us. While he probably has his reasons, for now I cant really see what they are. I'm trying very hard to trust G-d and that he will pay us back for this but right now, faith is not coming easily.

Meanwhile, we plan on trying to conceive this fall to hopefully have our daughter to complete our family. As much as that is exciting to me, it's also terrifying at the same time. It's been said that 1 miscarriage doesn't raise your chances for another one with the next pregnancy but regardless I'm so scared of it happening again that I almost don't want to get pregnant again. Hopefully everything will go very smoothly just as it did with my previous pregnancy with our 10 month old little guy. Except for the borderline pre-eclampsia right at the end of the third trimester.

Anyways, as I said before my husband thinks it has something to do with trying to get us to stay put here in the states for the time being. To me, that doesn't quite make sense but whatever helps him cope with this too, I won't smash for him. Goodness knows this has been hard enough to deal with as it is. The loss may have only occurred early on and the baby may have been really, really tiny but it was still our baby that we made together out of love and so it's hard to deal with the fact that it died. So healthy coping habits have been the key for the past week as well as the on and off tears. Especially today since today is exactly one week ago that I had to have the d&c and really said goodbye to our tiny baby.

Since we are planning on extending our family by one more baby, we are going to need more space. That means more rooms. So we're also looking to move into a bigger house. Just not sure if we're going to be able to afford it. The other thing we're kind of agonizing over is the fact that we hate renting as it's money down the drain, but we don't really want to buy either as we are still planning on making aliyah at some point. We just don't know when is all. Oh well. I'm sure we will get it figured out.

It's getting late now and I need some sleep. As porky pig was famous for saying..."That's all folks!".

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